Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Jessica Simpson And Ashlee Simpson: A Year And Review

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson started the year as a pretty and plain sister duo with limited career options. As 2006 passed by, they evolved into TWO pretty sisters with limited career options. How did this metamorphosis take place? We forget, but let’s find out.

1. Nose To The Grindstone Ashlee knows beauty comes from within. You just have to shave the bone down to see it. That’s why she debuted a slimmer, trimmer schnoz at her concert in West Palm Beach on May 6. The debates over who’s hotter between Ashlee and Jessica get interesting.

2. Jessica Divorces, Can No Longer Let Her Hair Down, Say Anything, Crazy Jessica’s divorce from Nick Lachey is legally finalized on June 30, leaving him to frolic in the ocean with new love Vanessa Minillo. Jessica cuddles with her dog Daisy when she sleeps because she misses the snuggly company. Jennifer Aniston fans cruelly refuse to extend their sympathy.

3. Laryngitis For All As the August 29 release of her album approaches, Jessica cancels a slew of promotional gigs for her new album after developing a bruised vocal chord. But gossip columnists follow a trail of laryngitis germs from Jessica’s bedroom, across the country and into John Mayer’s throat.

The week her album comes out, People and Us run covers that both use the words Jessica, John, Mayer and love on them. John posts on his website that he’s really into Public Enemy’s “Don’t Believe The Hype.” The cover of Us next week pictures Jessica with the words “DUMPED!” written across her with a story that says John was scared off by the attention. We commend Us for their sensitivity in stopping at one exclamation point in the headline.

4. Ashlee Excels In A Play About Killing For Fame (Just Be Warned) Ashlee makes her stage debut as Roxy in the London production of Chicago on September 25. We predict at the time, “They are going to rip her so badly, Fergie, the Duchess of York, will wistfully wipe away tears and say, ‘That used to be me.’” We are totally wrong, she blows everyone away and Fergie has nothing to do with anything. It’s like Britney Spears has just found the cure for cancer and we print out our words and eat them.

5. John Risks It All And Has Dinner With Jessica’s Huge Hoots Brain Jessica is spotted having dinner with John on November 12. What happened to Roxanne, the girlfriend he mentions talking about Anchorman with on the September 26 entry of his blog? Is Roxanne Jessica’s code name? Has Roxanne been imprisoned on a desert island? These are the very questions that will have us stuck following her again in 2007. And Ashlee? Joe Simpson can sell her to a billionaire for all we care.